Circles of Control, Influence, and Concern

Dr. Stephen Covey's "The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People" is not for reading just once. It's an excellent bedside book, desktop reference, and field manual for people and organizations trying to "do the right things, rather than simply doing things right." He and many other self-help gurus discuss the concepts of Circles of Control, Influence, and Concern. These circles can aid Muslim Americans, and other Muslims, in putting many issues in perspective.

Muslims, in general, spend inordinate amounts of time and energy fretting over issues that clearly fall into their collective Circle of Concern, such as Iraq, Afghanistan, Palestine, Kashmir, the Patriot Act, and so on. At the same time, they complain about how little influence they have at home and around the world. Nobody seems to understand Muslims. Nobody seems to want to understand them. Nobody seems to care what they think, how they feel, or what their opinions are about anything. Finally, Muslims look at themselves and one another with disdain for the condition they are in. Declining religious values paired with increased use of drugs, alcohol, usury, corruption, and constant infighting at every level are sources of despair. Juxtaposed to this, is a surge in religious extremism leading to violence in the name of Islam.

Circle of Control: Clean up your act
The innermost circle, the Circle of Concern, relates to personal issues over which you have, or should try to attain, direct control. Attaining credible influence with others and resolving distant concerns will loom out of reach until one's "own house is in order." For example, if you have questionable business practices, or are perceived as dishonest, conniving, or rude, others will tend to trust you less, thereby reducing your personal influence. Similarly, if you are not a practicing Muslim or openly involve yourself in those things forbidden by Islam, such as drinking, co-habitating (living with your boyfriend/girlfriend like a married couple), or gambling, then you should expect to be less welcomed by the Muslim community. Being distrusted or shunned by others leads to frustration, but the source of that frustration is your own actions, which are directly under your control. If your can't control them, then should seek help, whether it is a ten-step program, support groups, counseling, or medical care. Simply seeking that help is under your control.

Whether you work or study, strive to be the best at what you do. The same goes for sports and hobbies. This will do wonders for your own confidence and self-esteem. Don't waste time in non-productive activities like watching TV excessively, surfing the web, chatting online, or playing video games. Eat well, exercise, take care of your health, and keep your finances in order. In short, take care of yourself and others, beginning with treating your own family well. Extend this to your neighbors, roommates, co-workers, classmates, teammates, and everybody you interact with in private and public. Be polite, genuine, and sincere. Don't bog down relationships with immoderate amounts of debate over religion and politics, even with those closest to you, and especially with those whom you don't know well. It's up to you and nobody else.

Attend to your religious duties. If you don't pray, start. If you don't know how, learn. Attend the Friday and Eid prayers. Pay charity in the proper way. Perform Hajj if you can afford it. If you can't, then start saving and planning for it. Most Muslims know what they are supposed to do, and all of us are incomplete in doing them, to one degree or another. What you can do is in your hands. It's within your Circle of Control. Don't blame others for your own shortcomings.

What about the condition of our mosques, schools, and community centers? Are they well-constructed and maintained? Are they clean, inviting, and comfortable? If not, why not? Don't hold the leaders responsible; everybody who attends them is responsible for them. What can you do? Clean up, paint, fix, repair, and replace. How much can you afford to pay to help? Stop worrying about expanding if you can't take care of what you have. Begin there and stay focused there, rather than on grand ideas and projects that distract you and others from what is important now.

In addition to all the above, Muslim Americans experience frustrations within the Muslim community, which mostly pertain to a depreciated "authenticity" stemming from clumsy entrees in the mosque and relative ignorance about the religion. In particular, the inability to speak Arabic leaves Muslim Americans in a passive role when it comes to making personal religious and community decisions. After all, if you can't rattle off a few verses from the Qur'an along with relevant Hadiths, then your point is lost. If you can't decipher somebody else's Arabic on the spot, you also miss out on important ideas, and will feel left out of the loop, particularly during Friday sermons. All this leads to frustration, but you have control over this situation. Begin to study Arabic and make it a long-term commitment. Don't rely on others to teach you Arabic; make it your own responsibility. Buy a book, find a tutor, enroll in classes, even take Arabic online if you must. Here are a few more actions that will help you improve yourself as a Muslim and your standing within the Muslim community:

• Learn how to pray, fast, and pay charity properly and then do them. If you recently embraced Islam, you made the testimony of faith. Continue to strive to understand it and apply it, as there are many levels of meaning that take a lifetime of reflection.
• Read/learn/memorize as much of the Qur'an as you can, in Arabic and English, understand it, and apply it.
• Read/learn/memorize as many Hadiths as you can, in Arabic, understand them, and apply them.

These steps will take years, not months or weeks, so you should be prepared to undertake them as a long-term goal. Make them your own responsibility, but seek out help when you need it. Working towards these goals is up to you, even if you have to do it entirely on your own.

Circle of Influence: Cooperating with and doing for others
You are just one person. You cannot make others treat Muslims with respect. All you can do is earn respect from others by improving those things within your Circle of Control. You will feel better about yourself, and others will feel better about you. But it takes more than one person, which means your work is not done. You must continue on the path of self-improvement while reaching out to others. This is not to indoctrinate them into your belief system and ways of doing things. That is how you lose trust and respect. Reaching out to others must be to help them attain their goals, particularly where they overlap with your own goals.

The workplace and school are excellent places to start, since most people are working towards similar (though sometimes competing) objectives. Join with others in starting new initiatives, even if its as simple as a coffee fund to improve the quality of coffee and tea and defray the costs for you employer. At school, begin study groups or new clubs with other students, or join one or more. The purpose is to get involved with others with whom you can cooperate with in achieving the same goals.

Similarly, if there are professional or academic associations, unions, or other groups that deal with your areas of interest and expertise, then get involved. Take on responsibilities, no matter the level. Don't expect or try to be the leader. Don't talk, listen. Be there to help and carry out these responsibilities in the best possible way. Don't wait for credit or praise. If you do well, others will notice, whether you are recognized publicly or not. Most importantly, continue to check on your own sincerity, and never let these commitments get in the way of your own health, happiness, or family.

If you have passionate social issues outside of work and school, such as crime prevention, teaching English as a Second Language, community parks, the elderly, the environment, save the whales, or whatever, then volunteer. Don't be afraid if everybody doesn't have the same ideas or worldview as you. Nobody does. Stay focused on achieving common goals. Remain sincere in doing good for the cause and others, and keep your activities balanced within your personal and professional frameworks.

These experiences outside the mosque are crucial for your personal, professional, and social development. Remember the purpose here: You will continue to feel helpless if you focus on issues and problems exclusively on your Circle of Concern. By attending to your own Circles of Control and Influence you, in effect, gradually expand them into your Circle of Concern. For most of us, the condition of the Muslim community in America is still beyond our control and influence. We want to see things improve, but no matter how hard we try, they stay the same. There is a collective lack of experience that can be overcome if Muslims did much of the above. The most valuable experience is gained by working and volunteering inside organizations that also have experience and that are staffed by many other experienced individuals. This is how you learn to get things done. Such professional and volunteer experiences prepare you for much of what needs to be done. At the same time, you will build your own personal skills and influence with others.

Circle of Concern: Changing the world

Think for a moment about Prophet Muhammad and his credibility in the period just prior to receiving his first revelations at age 40. He was known as Muhammad "the Trustworthy." He already had tremendous influence with others based on his interactions with them over decades. On his word and reputation alone, many who knew him or knew of him became Muslims. And most who did not become Muslims initially, were not willing to harm him because they knew him to be fair, kind, and honest, even if they were unwilling to give up their own religions. In fact, many non-Muslims were ready to stand alongside Muhammad and his followers in the face of oppression by those who sought to eliminate them. The collective influence of his followers and the next generations also played a major role in changing the face of Arabia, the region, and a large portion of the world in less than 100 years. This is not because they carried the label "Muslim," but rather because of their behavior, accomplishments, and reputations.

Change is possible, but it begins within yourself. You can't let far away crises be obstacles to your personal success. No matter what, you can't use such things as an excuse to behave in ways that negate you. In fact, your personal and social success will empower you to transform situations in ways that you are otherwise helpless to do. It's that simple. If you want to be trusted, then you must behave in a way that earns the trust and respect of others. If you want to make a difference, then you must put yourself through the necessary paces to improve yourself and your relationships with others.

First, clean up your act. Excel in your responsibilities and interests. Try to be a nicer person to those you love, know, and meet every day. Get involved in your school, work, profession, and community. Extend that experience to your mosque, school, and Muslim community, but don't abandon the earlier relationships you worked so hard to develop. Work together with all these people to make the world a better place for everyone. This will empower you to alter those things that you have no control over today.

Why "Muslim American" and not "American Muslim"?

A name may not seem terribly significant, especially when referring to others. If you're a man, you may refer to women as "girls," "chicks," "broads," "gals," or "ladies." On the other hand, a woman is more likely to refer to herself as a "woman," rather than with some other label. This is because the other labels have meanings at many different levels. Is there a difference in meaning between "African American" and "American African?" There clearly is. Labels such as "American X" (fill in your favorite group "X," e.g. Jew, Asian, Gay, Italian, etc.) is that the second term often seems to assign the group an identity that implies other than American. Consider "American Hispanic," as opposed to "Hispanic American." The former signifies a Hispanic person who happens to have American citizenship, whereas the latter means an American of Hispanic origin. The former marginalizes, even if unintentionally; the latter is inclusive. So, there is also a difference in meaning between "American Muslim" and "Muslim American."

Muslims in America are, for the most part, an immigrant community coming largely from the Indian subcontinent, Africa, and the Middle East. This is changing rapidly, however, for two reasons. First, many Muslim immigrants have already raised a generation of children who were born in America. These children, many of whom are now adults, have been immersed in American culture and values their entire lives. They have been schooled in America, they participate in sports and cultural events, and they speak English fluently. They are, in every sense of the word, Americans. Most have no desire to reside in their parents' home countries, and those who visit them often feel alien to those cultures. They are also perceived as alien by those "back home," often due to weaker linguistic skills and inadequate familiarity with social customs. They are typically viewed as having less-than-pure ethnicity by the immigrant community in America and, as a result, they are often considered as lesser Muslims by the Muslim community as a whole.

Second, there is a sizeable population of Americans who have converted to Islam. Like the first group, they are Americans and they are Muslims. Many who have converted to Islam often experience the attitude that they too are lesser Muslims within the community, mostly because of their inability to speak any of the major languages like Arabic, Pashtun, Urdu, or Turkish and their total lack of familiarity with immigrant cultures. And, while it is interesting and enriching to sample different foods and customs from around the world, it is equally frustrating to be treated as children who must be taught every minute detail of "proper" eating, drinking, sitting, speaking, dressing, grooming, and worship according to someone else's cultural norms. Along those same lines, it is difficult to be told what to think about global politics, American culture, and American people. After all, our families are American people, and it is extremely unpleasant to digest daily doses of inaccurate stereotypes about them. One case in point is a speech given in a midwestern mosque in which the visiting "scholar" from "back home" informed the audience that 70% of American women are prostitutes. This is fairly exemplary of ignorant attitudes towards America and Americans, in general.

Just as perplexing is the constant bombardment of images and statements by so-called experts on Muslims, whether they are speaking of those residing inside or outside of America. The fact is that Muslim don't hate Jews and Christians. Muslims don't despise America for its freedom and ideals. Muslims don't want to return to a 7th century society. This is particularly true for Muslims living in America, no matter where they were born. It is especially true for Muslim Americans who, after all, only know life in America. Such ignorant attitudes that represent "common knowledge" about the Islamic faith and Muslim people serves to alienate the very people Americans claim they wish to bring over to the "good side." It also serves to foster an "us" versus "them" mentality that further divides people, rather than unite them for the common good. More than anyone, Muslim Americans sit between two sides of a spitting contest, belonging to both and embraced by neither.

Muslim Americans find themselves doubly marginalized by the Muslim community and the American public. Neither are "real" Muslims, nor are they "real" Americans. Labeling them as "American Muslims," meaning Muslims that just happen to have American citizenship is one way this marginalization is perpetuated. This is why the term "Muslim American" helps to build a more definitive identity that reduces alienation and includes them in mainstream America. This is a group of people who are culturally American and religiously Muslim, which presents no conflict since America is a pluralistic society comprised of peoples, religions, and ideologies from all over the world. The term "Muslim American," then, promotes an identity that affirms both religion and nationality in a way that empowers the exercise of religious and national rights and responsibilities with clarity, purpose, and conviction.